This afternoon, i went to Selayang Hospital to visit my aunt for the first time after she was admitted approximately a week ago. Not that i have no time for her, nor having uncountable lame excuses such as being busy with my presentation or having meeting up sessions with my friends, but... i was just totally relunctant to step into that building due to some poignant memories which i didn't want to recall ever, E-V-E-R in my entire life i could say. I was not prepared to recall, i don't want to recall, i'm scared to recall, i'm sad to recall.. There are millions, billions, or in fact trillions of reasons that sends shiver down my spine when i came to think about recalling such memories.
Driving down the basement parking lots, taking the same lift, walking the same path and seeing the familiar structure of the building. Those were the same paths i took a year ago. Every part of that building reminds me of the seconds & minutes that i've spent there, whether it was the days i went to visit my phychologist, or the nights where i've slept in the ward. My heart beats faster and faster, having me emotionally unstable, my heart aches, my tears welled up my eyes. I quickly swiped my tears of my cheeks, it was too embarrassing to cry over things that happened one year back!
As soon as i reached my aunt's ward at the 9th floor, i saw her lying on her bed snoring loudly. No one was there, except for the maid. I took a seat and observed her. Looking at the back of her hand being poked by the arterial venous fistula needle, wearing a green hospital attire, being checked on her blood pressure every 2 hours by the nurse, isn't that me a year back? My heart aches once again, those days of suffering really tormented my heart.
Still remembering the second where i was sent to the hospital and having a long hose of 8mm width transparent flexible "hose" forcefully poked through my nose, passing through my throat and reaching God knows which part of my body and inserting packets of God knows what liquid to wash up the chemicals in my stomach. Remembering the nights where i tried to commit suicide again and again in the hospital by banging my head all over the walls, causing my parents to cry and beg over me to stop me from doing so. Doctors think i've gone mad, nurses think i've gone crazy and deep in my heart i know, i was just yearning to meet someone who refuses to see me no matter what. I wanted to tell the doctors, the nurses and whoever thinks that i'm crazy that "I'm just heart-broken.. Will you save me from hell?.." My sleepless nights was caused by too much of thinking, too much of missing and nevertheless, too much of tears..
I had a long thought in the hospital today. However, i'm glad, as everything is over. One year has passed, and my sadness has reduced. Give me one more year, and i'm sure i'll be alrite to step into that hospital once again. May i celebrate my Day-Of-Reborning once again next year with a piece of cake, with you? :)
